Continuing on with the November 30 day gratitude journal-this one is long-winded. Sometimes that’s what writers do. Sometimes we define something by stating what it is not.
I am grateful for love. Pure, organic unadulterated love. Not the syrupy over-sentimental type but the considerate, demonstrative manifestation of universal love. Unconditional love is in its own category, and easy to understand unless one is a sociopath.
Coming from a largely atheistic household, at first it was hard for me to understand why I have always loved so deeply and pray daily to what I call “God” or Source or a Higher Power…. the Great Spirit.
My father never mentioned God; my mother was more of a closet believer, perhaps. I really don’t know. They didn’t talk that way. I vividly recall when I was four or five and Mother said to me that God’s love is everywhere and is in everything. Good and true. I accepted it. Later I moved away from my home state at 19 and never moved back to the Midwest except to visit. I wanted to create my own life. I had paranormal loving spirit guides-yes direct communication and all that, but you don’t talk about such things to family members. When I didn’t listen to my intuition or doubted the guides, things happened. I talk about them in my book.
The closest thing to divine love for me is the experience of being in nature. True understanding between two humans, or human and a beloved pet, the experience of childbirth, nurturing children, innocent play….and friendship are about love. The words fall short.
I have gone without material comforts and without human love. I find that poor people are much richer than those who have money and status, not that acquiring material power excludes love. Far from it. Now the topic is called the law of abundance. I’ve been down and out and scared out of my mind, but never completely gave in to defeat. I always knew that I would make it-on my own terms of what making it means, and that includes the ability to love.
When I found the courage to leave an 11 year abusive relationship I believed in, and loved myself enough, to make that first step OUT. I lived with my kids, ages 8 and 4, in the woods. I hauled water, wood, hooked up batteries for electricity, drove myself to work in a yellow V8 gas hog with a bad trannie, and changed the oil on my car by myself as long as the bolt on the oil pan wasn’t too tight. I stoked the fire in the wood stove and immersed myself in each day. I woke up and did what I had to do. When I looked at the sky I felt bursting love from the Creator. Sometimes it was an aching kind of love. I felt complete devotion and caring for my children who were born at home with midwives, no drugs or anesthesia, and thank goodness all went well. My definition of love.
Later on I met Jesse and my life got better. He was kind. He could be blunt, but was never emotionally abusive like my kid’s dad. At times I did not believe in my own intellectual abilities. He encouraged me to go back to school and I earned my AA degree in my 30’s. People with Phd’s might scoff at an AA degree. I was ecstatic at the accomplishment.
Even in my loneliest circumstances I never felt too much despair because of the four letter L – word. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.
Journal prompt: So what do you feel about the word “love”? Is it over-used? Do you feel love between two adults is the most cherished form of love? Do you believe in it? What about God? Angels? Spirit guides? Free write about the L word.
Copyright © 2013 by Susan E. Rowland